Attachment

Attachment is a primal need within us all.  It begins in utero, before birth, and extends from cradle to grave.

As children, we must stay close and attached to our parents (or primary caregiver), for food, warmth, and survival.  Attachment patterns develop in response to the caregiving we receive (how we are treated) and are the strategies we adopt that help us to feel connected and safe.  Sometimes, however, they are not the best strategies for adulthood and end up causing immense pain.

Childhood attachment and adult attachment bonds carry very similar markers.  Two people seek closeness when they need protection and they protest when separated.  A small separation can be a disagreement or the ultimate separation of death. 

Secure bonds or attachments can provide a place of safety and a platform of growth.

Attachment can be viewed as subconscious beliefs about connection, adopted over your lifetime.  How we are treated as children creates a set of beliefs that we use as blueprints later in life, in relationships with others, and our most important relationship, with ourselves. What do you need from others to feel safe and accepted and how do you expect to be treated? 

Attachment styles are not created by chance; they are relationally created.  For example: If a parent is highly critical of their child, they will learn to personalise everything, growing in the belief that whatever they do, they are not good enough or worthy of acceptance and love. 

Limiting beliefs form in childhood and are stored in our subconscious mind.  Neuroscience has proven that we make decisions based on emotions.  The subconscious mind likes familiarity and comfort and it takes just 21 days to reprogramme.  The subconscious mind hears and sees emotion and requires repetition to create new neural pathways – our brain’s reprogramming tool. 

Core attachment wounds (rejection, abandonment, betrayal) become loudest when we attach to someone (think of how you act/react when starting a new romantic relationship).  Healing our attachment wounds is completely possible and involves a journey of self-awareness. Understanding ourselves and our emotions is the beginning.  Learning to give yourself the things you needed as a child but didn’t get, will enable positive healing so you can form stronger, healthier relationships with yourself and others. Learning to validate your feelings and apply compassion (kindness to ourselves) is vital.  When you attach to your therapist, you will start to feel seen, accepted, and heard – possibly for the first time in your life.  Through this therapeutic relationship you can begin to move to a more secure way of being so you feel good enough and accepted just as you are.